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Tony Alva: Chief Crazy and T.A.-An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

Chief Crazy Captain Christo is going insane. He must be crazy by writing the one and only, the greatest skateboarder in the world, Tony Alva. You see Chief Crazy Captain Christo has got one chance in HELL to arrange the finest skateboarders alive for a semi large get together in Omaha for a POW WOW of sorts. So since he already has written letters to influential people in his life, the Good Chief must now try to get a hold of Bad Ass Tony Alva. So as usual, he disguises himself as the O-Range Blob of Light and slyly shines an Orange light situated above a darkened pool where Tony is practicing for the umpteenth time. Here is the conversation in its entirety. Tony Alva’s name has been changed to B.A.T.A. ( Bad Ass Tony Alva!)

B.A.T.A.-” Awwriight who is shining the O-Range light. It’s perfect. Now I can see!”

O-Range Blob of Light-” Hey Bata Bata Bata Swing”

B.A.T.A-” What? ( Rob Zombie’s song is thumpin in the background!) Who said that?

O-Range Blob of Light- ” It is I, B.A.T.A. ,I am Chief Crazy Captain Christo and I have come to see you in your element and I see you are doing awesome as usual. Hey look, since I am talking to you and it is extremely ninja and nimble of me to be doing so, I thought you would like to be a part of something huge. I am planning a rather large get together and I need your help. Could you assemble around a hundred of your bestest buds for a little skate jam in Omaha. Perhaps you know of some people who could build a rather large ramp in the shape of say Noah’s Ark. Just like a half pipe but only larger if you know what I mean.

B.A.T.A. – ” What the F*** are you talkin about man? I don’t have time for this Noah’s Ark in the shape of a halp pipe. I don’t need no stinking animals messing up the ramp.”

O-Range Blob of Light-” There will be no animals hurt in the making of this ramp. No animals will be allowed to enter except skateboarders who like to go CRAZY. And of course Gwen Stefani and her crew.”

B.A.T.A-” What? ( Again, Rob Zombie’s song is still thumpin in the background!) You mean we have to share the ramp with girls? No way man!”

O-Range Blob of Light-” You see, that’s what I don’t understand. Gwen Stefani will be rockin the ramp like you have no idea!!! Let me explain it a different way. Do you watch the Super Bowl every year? ( B.A.T.A. nods his head and rolls his eyes) Well so does about ¾ of the frickin planet. In 2011, the Super Bowl will be played in Dallas Texas. I need to start practicing my act now so when the time comes I’ll be ready.”

B.A.T.A. -” But you are just an O-Range Blob of Light. No one can see you. What could you possibly do that would impress anyone?”

O-Range Blob of Light-” What? ( Rob Zombie’s song still thumpin…) Ok last chance B.A.T.A. Here is the pitch. There is a little girl who needs our help. She is crying in the darkness and I hear her cry. It is up to all of us to save this little girl. We can do our part by putting on the greatest show the world has never seen. I will be doing my part by orchestrating the wildest comeback of all time. Trust me, you will want to be a part of this. Just show up in July of 2010 or I will meet you wherever to discuss this stuff in person. But before I go I want to leave you with a prayer. It is called Dear Saint Anthony.

It is for four actual Tony’s , they are:

1. Tony Alva

2. Tony Hawk

3. Tony Robbins

4. Tony Iommi

   Dear Saint Anthony,

   Please come down someone is lost and cannot be found

   Well Saint Anthony I know where to look

   It is inside of an unwritten book

   The Book of Pumpkins written by me

   MMMBOP, taste it you’ll see

   After the O-Range Blob of Light left B.A.T.A. A better skateboarder emerged

   and B.A.T.A. Called up his ol bud Jay Z-Flex Adams and declared

   ” Hey Jay C’mon back bro. Rock and Roll never forgets!!!!”

   Stay tuned for more excerpts from The Great Pumpkin letters!

P.S. ( that’s Pumpkin Script) If you don’t like poems or prayers, would you prefer O-Range Skull Splitting Lightning strikes?

Sharon Osbourne: Sharing Alpha’s Vision+ – An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

” Crazy Train! Crazy Train! All I ever hear is Crazy Train! Ozzy when are you going to stop with the effen Crazy Train?” Not exactly words that were emanating from the lips of Sharon Osbourne but this one is my show. Welcome to Chief Crazy Captain Christo’s domain! Now let’s get this party started. For years now, Chief Crazy Captain Christo has been watching the decline of entertainment as the World has sunk to new lows that can only be described as pathetic. What happened to good ol fashioned TALENT?

In this final edition of 2009 Pumpkin Letters, Chief Crazy Captain Christo has a close encounter with Sharon Osbourne, the Queen Pin behind Ozzy Osbourne. Now to be fair to Ozzy, this is really about their love affair with entertainment. So to prepare for this encounter with The Osbournes, Chief Crazy Captain Christo is pulling out his secret weapon. You see, Chief Crazy Captain Christo has been working hard on an O-Range Blob of Light ( perfecting where to strike the lightning hint hint!). He has it almost down to a science but some more research is needed. Kind of like a Dr. Frankenstein with a melodic purpose. It could be described as ” Sharing Alpha’s Vision+”. So without further complications, I give you this humorous encounter with The Osbournes and Chief Crazy Captain Christo. Sharon’s name for this piece is ” Shos Born” pronounced Shows Born. Ozzy’s name is JOB O because I wish I had his Job Oh. And in a stunning and spectacular final performance for the year 2009, Chief Crazy Captain Christo has pulled out all the stops. His name for this Great Pumpkin Letter is none other than DRIZ. Here is their conversation in its entirety. Enjoy!

SHOS BORN: “Hey Ozzy, did you see the advertisement on telly the other day about this guy named DRIZ who thought Kelly should have won Dances with the Stars?”

JOB O: ” DRIZ? Who the F**K is DRIZ?”

SHOS BORN: ” He says he is The O-Range Blob of Light and he would like us to attend a screening of his new show in Omaha Nebraska on July 9th 2010. He wants to put on a show in front of Warren Buffett, Bill Gates, Richard Branson, Ivanka Trump, Rob Zombie, Zakk Wylde and Us Ozzy. He says he wants to do something special for people who will take action on what he has to say on that day.

JOB O : ” Sharon, beam me up Scotty, who the F**K is DRIZ” at that moment an intense and blinding O-Range Blob of Light shown in front of Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. Enter DRIZ!

DRIZ: ” Hey Ozzy how ya doin? Hey Sharon, love the Diamonds! I am DRIZ and I have come to invite you to a special screening of a performance I am working on. Through special by-laws of my mission, it is my extreme honor to put you on a LIST that is ETERNAL. But before I do, I have one question for you Ozzy. Ready, here goes. On a tape of an interview you did way back when on ROCK LINE with BC ( Bob Coburn), someone asked you ‘ Hey Ozzy, are you considering doing the part of GRANDFATHER on the remake of the ol MUNSTERS show? And you answered with….

JOB O: ( with a heavy ENGLISH accent) …” I never was in the first place”

DRIZ: ” Yeah , you remembered! Great! Anyways, since I figure you wouldn’t even consider doing the part of Grandfather on the remake of the ol Munster show( even if Rob Zombie was directing!), I , DRIZ, aka Chief Crazy Captain Christo, aka Munko Christo, aka The O-Range Blob of Light was wondering if you would be interested in lending your extreme talents to a part I am writing for you. Your part Ozzy if you choose to participate would be to play a certain number. To be more precise, it is a number on a list, kind of like a song list, but different. I can’t go into it exactly but I will say this. You are not going to be that happy about it at first. But when it sinks in, it will make perfect sense. All I can do is invite you to be witnesses on July 9th 2010 down in Nebraska, preferrably Omaha but who knows perhaps out in a field some where.”

JOB O: ” SHAAAAAAARON! Call 9-1-1″

Soon after Sharon Osbourne called 9-1-1, DRIZ was led away from the Osbournes in handcuffs by four Beverly Hills cops who stated a matter of factly that DRIZ would not be Home for Christmas:(!.

This has been the final edition of The Great Pumpkin Letters for 2009. Stay tuned to find out how DRIZ is going to make bail! In 2010.

Bill Gates: Fore Word March- An Excerpt from The Great Pumpkin Letters

In this installment of The Great Pumpkin Letters, Chief Crazy Captain Christo is hedging his futures on one certain Bill Gates. For those of you who have been under a rock, (Plymouth), Bill Gates is extremely extraordinary. Not because he is a Billionaire or that his fledgling company Microsoft is pretty much everywhere. No the reason he is extremely extraordinary is because he still acts like a kid at heart. That is pretty amazing wouldn’t you say? So with that said, let’s join up with a conversation you probably didn’t even know existed. Here it is! The conversation piece between Chief Crazy Captain Christo and Bill Gates. ( Authors note: Chief Crazy Captain Christo for reasons only known to him refers to Bill Gates as Big A.

C.C.C.Christo-” Hey Big A. How’s backward Slash treatin ya?”

Big A- ” You mean Slash the guitar God?”

C.C.C.Christo-” Yeah I mean Saul Ash! How about paying attention Big A. I’ve got a job for you and I would like to see an idea of mine come to PASS. Please do me a Big Favor and bring some of your rock and roll buddies to a summit in July 2010. Please invite Slash the guitar God ( smirk guffaw) and let Slash invite 1000 of his rock and roll buddies who are serious about contributing to the WORTHIEST cause on the planet. Since this is a one time event, with a two year WINDOW of opportunity to get involved, please only invite committed people who love Halloween and The Great Pumpkin.

Big A-” You mean like KISS, SLIPKNOT, Alice Cooper, Rob Zombie, Ozzy Osbourne, Black Label Society, Slayer, …….” Big A continued for another twenty minutes reeling off bands names until finally Chief Crazy Captain Christo could contain his laughter no longer. With a huge pumpkin clown grin, the Good Chief Crazy Captain Christo replied,

C.C.C.Christo- ” You got it Big A. And hey Big A. Here is the kicker. Please invite some people who know how to shape wood! I have a construction project with a rock and roll theme and I would like part of the construction project to use Ash wood. White or Black Ash it doesn’t matter. I have the designs all ready to be viewed and then bid on in a public setting. So if you could be so kind as to bring fore word your brilliant mind, we could get this party started. I will fill you in on July 9th, 2010.

See you there Big A.”

And with that being said , Chief Crazy Captain Christo varnished from the scene and left Big A muttering something like, ” Hey I wonder if Warren Buffett would be interested in getting together on July 9th 2010. It sure would beat our bridge outings. We could organize at the Qwest in Omaha and then …..wait oh how do I get a hold of that crazy guy and tell him that would be flippin awesome!”

Chief Crazy Captain Christo wondered if he had gotten through to Big A. After all, he forgot to mention that all this construction to rock the house will need some teamwork and Chief Crazy Captain Christo remembered that Big A retired! Oh well, he thought, maybe Slash will show up any way. The show must go on. The Great Pumpkin will rise!

What Big A didn’t realize was that C.C.C.Christo was just getting started with the plans. The monumental task of arranging the right people is staggering. Seven minutes had expired on the clock when all of a sudden Big A turned to see C.C.C.Christo standing before him with a Crazy Cat-like expression and a funny gleam in his eyes. Like fire from the Sun, the words hit Big A like a ton of bricks.

C.C.C.Christo-” Windows Seven is like what your kazillionth version of your Operating System?”

Big A-” Uhh, I stepped down remember. I no longer run the show at Microsoft”

C.C.C.Christo-” Great! Then you should have no problem helping me out here. Big A, here is what you could do to help out big time. Please get a hold of Warren Buffett and friends for a get together in Omaha. We could discuss plans to put together a Trillion dollar empire for kids. Instead of calling you Big A I think I will call you Billy Kids.

Big A:-”Whatever hahaha”

The two business entrepreneurs became lifelong friends although it is only a rumour. The biggest rumour that is emerging is the association of Bing and Cherry for a fantastic restaurant desert menu for Hell’s Kitchen. But that’s another mile down the road. Stay tuned! This has been another installment of The Great Pumpkin Letters. The author insists that if you know any person or band mentioned in this installment, to forward this to them. Full disclosure is required for the function of construction. Great Pumpkin rules!

Chief Crazy Captain Christo is a character in a screen play being written in Minnesota to be

orchestrated on a stage in …… see if you can guess where. This is an actual conversation between

the main character Chief Crazy Captain Christo and the delightful wordsmith Chef Gordon Ramsay from Fox’s hit TV show Hell’s Kitchen. We join the conversation already in progress…

Over the loud speaker ( Gilbert Godfried ) was heard…

” …and the winner is by a lard margarine Chief Crazy Captain Christo. “

Thunderous applause and a few sprinkles of lightning were heard and seen throughout the

great plates.” Never before has Chef Gordon Ramsay ever been this mad. He was seen kicking

the trash cans and littering the audience with shouts of “DONKEY” which made the judges of the

contest ( Sharon Osbourne and Ozzy, Rob Zombie and Sheri, Zakk Wylde and Barbarranne, Gene Simmons and Tweeder, and of course War and Buffet (the Vampire Slayer), eye Chef Gordon

Ramsay in a new light.

” this cant be possible…” Chef Ramsay shouted, ” All my dishes were fantastic yes, and brilliantly prepared. Every possible ingredient was used. They were arranged to be beautiful to the eyes as well as a smorgasboard of pallette to the taste buds. What possibly could you Donkeys have been thinking when you judged Chief Crazy Captain Christo’s Sea Bass Filet Mignon and Oysters over Pumpkin Avocado Buffalo Burgers” Chef Ramsay stormed off the set of the now infamous “Pacific Omaha, Omaha Pacific” challenge or PO-OP challenge.

The judges were unanimous in their admiration for Chief Crazy Captain Christo’s dish and were surprised to find out that his dish was really just made out of a carved pumpkin. In short, every last judge asked Chief Crazy Captain Christo how the Hell he pulled off the Greatest upset in the land of Milk and Honey using only a Pumpkin. Here is C.C.C.Christo’s response:

….” to all the Good Judges who make it a point to sell their brand of entertainment to the world. My secret ingredient was ……”

All the judges, including Rob Zombie, leaned forward to hear the secret to C.C.C.Christo’s successful win over Chef Gordon Ramsay,

” My secret ingredient is and always has been you Jack Asses,

Art O’ Fisher Fillet Vo-Rings.”

It took a while for the hoots and the hoot owls to simmer down but when they finally did and they always do, Chief Crazy Captain Christo walked off the stage and gave each of the judges a freshly cut pumpkin rind in the shape of a G.

So as the Good Chief Crazy Captain Christo skateboarded back to his trailer in the park, he stopped to admire the sunsetting as plain as day and exhaled, ” Maybe next time I’ll answer the judges the proper way and say something like,

My secret ingredient has been to imitate Ol Chef GORDO, beat him to the punch line,

and exclaim My secret ingredient is and has always been the Jackal Lantern, the Jack O’ Lantern

and forevermore the Donkey ho-tay.

Stay tuned when Chief Crazy Captain Christo invites Chef Gordon Ramsay and family to a council meeting to take place sometime in the year 2010 to discuss plans to build Twelve new restaurants around a rock and roll , sports, medicine, movie and of course the Great Pumpkin Letters menu will be delivered to Chef Ramsay if he shows up. Actually, if Chef Ramsay shows up the menu is blank so if he wants to keep the blankety blankety blank out of his dialogue for one hour, we can proceed to design the first seven star restaurant in the history of the Milky Way.

June 20th 2009

Hey Mr. Rob Zombie!

It’s the Great Pumpkin writing to the Greatest Director of All Time. Yeah, lurking inside that warped mind of Rock and Roll Bad Asses You are going to go on an incredible journey Rob! You see I just got a letter from a Character in a Movie you are going to Direct in The Near Future. How near you ask? Listen up Rob. Now this is important. The Character in The Movie you are going to Direct.

Mr. Z is none other than Chief Crazy Captain Christo. He has been putting the finishing touches on a screen play that you will adapt into a Hollywood Blockbuster, loosely based on the Greatest Character Ever created by Charles Schultz. Hey Rob It’s Me The Great Pumpkin.

Chief Crazy Captain Christo told me and I quote, ” Rob Zombie’s the only director I would trust in a Sea of Same Ol Lame Ol. Rob has not only got the talent of a Great Artist but a Director’s Eye that is sure to impress .

Chief Crazy Captain Christo is going down to Nebraska in July of 2010 to Challenge Old Man Buffett to a game of Who’s the Richest Man now? He wants you to be there Rob.

Chief Crazy Captain Christo says “… The comfort zone for the Rich will evaporate in front of everyone’s eyes. That is after the Great Pumpkin rises out of the Pumpkin Patch … you know the story. Chief Crazy Captain Christo wants to show you Mr. Zombie the keys to Erasing the National Debt. Before any of the old crony club beats you Rob. C’mon, Chief Crazy Captain Christo wants you to bring Ozzy Osbourne and Zakk Wylde with you so you will all be witnesses to the new order of doing things.

But be forewarned Rob. If you don’t show up or get in touch with Chief Crazy Captain Christo, you’re going to lose out to another Director named Grant Heslov, in the immortal words of Little Nicky, ” he’s no George Clooney… but he hangs out with him” Chief Crazy Captain Christo also met Fred Savage from The Wonder Years.

Now who do you think would do a better job. A Zombie or a Savage. I thought so Rob. Just show up in Omaha in July of 2010. The screenplay will be completely finished by then. Oh and one last thing Rob. Chief Crazy Captain Christo has informed me ,The Great Pumpkin, that once you see the screenplay, you will flip out completely. It is your Dream Movie that Chief Crazy Captain Christo says, Not only will I give the movie rights to Mr. Zombie, but I will also organize a fundraiser the likes the World has never seen. It involves the present day President of the United States and his team of Professional All- Stars ( including Michael Jordan) vs the Team of Zombies ( thirteen of the finest Rock and Roll game changers in a game played with Special Rules only Chief Crazy Captain Christo knows.

The names for these two teams are also confidential to be released only to you Rob. This is what is called in the business, Trust is Earned and Rob you have Earned it. Chief Crazy Captain Christo also wants to say Thank you for your Inspiring Theme Songs to life! So there you have it in a nutshell Rob Zombie. July 2010 Stay tuned. This is The Great Pumpkin and This has been The First in a Series of ” The Great Pumpkin Letters” coming soon to be played out for real! Oh and ah Rob, Chief Crazy Captain Christo in no uncertain terms scolded me for calling you Mr. Z. He said, ” Great Pumpkin, even you shall call him Dr. Z . for every great director is a doctor at heart bringing films to life!”

From Warhol to Hendrix to boy in love, rejection letters revealed
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